Is Eye Of Round Roast The Same As Tri Tip Out Damned Spot!

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Out Damned Spot!

Out, I say! One; two, why then ’tis time to do’t. My skin is murky. Okay, probably not exactly how the Bard would have written it, but I would bet it’s exactly what Lady Macbeth was trying to say. Men always misinterpret women, why is that?

Of course her skin was murky! After 35, even with the best of home care, you have to know when to call in the professionals. Being a diva, I’ve been taking care of mine since my teens. Years of acne taught me that early! Sadly I spent much of my wasted youth tanning and sun bedding. Remember when those first beds came out? Year round bronze beauty.That’s why so many of us look like handbags today. In my case a badly mottled one.

Melasma. Say it loud, say it proud. My face by mid-thirties looked like a shaded relief map of Asia. I won’t go into a scientific definition of melasma, but it’s a horrid condition of blotchy, brown areas all over your skin. It looks like Guerlain’s Terracotta Summer Stones, except not blended or pretty. Melasma apparently loves all things Asian, African, Mediterranean, or Hispanic. Since I am a mixture of two of these groups, I get lots of love from Melasma. Not to say it discriminates, it likes white girls too. But you know us brown girls love to show how tan we get, and I could roast and toast with the best of them. Well bully for me because all I have to show for it is my multicolored face.

I’ve used Retin-A since my teens, so that has probably helped somewhat with the problem. But since around thirty-six I have been plagued with ever expanding dark brown blotches that responded to nothing. You name a department store brand to lighten and clarify skin and I have used it, honey. You could finance a small country on the amount of money I’ve spent on products, including and not up to Tri-Luna which did nothing at all.

Then Miss Christy came to town, and like a bad ass skin care sheriff, took care of some business with my skin.

Christy Howell is the new medical esthetician at my favorite Valdosta doctor’s office; Azalea Center for Plastic Surgery. Dr. Bridgette Moore is the nip/tuck wiz that gave me my superboobs, and newly fleshed out lips. If you are considering any sort of cosmetic surgery, you need to check her first. 

Just because there’s a recession doesn’t mean that your beauty doc needs to suffer! For god’s sake, sell your children to white slavers or the Pitt-Jolies if you must. Your husband only needs one kidney to effectively function, and your parents will be perfectly happy in a Medicaid run facility! It’s not like they know where they are anyway, and since they already don’t know who you are anymore,why not surprise them with a new look every time you remember to visit?

Anyway, Ms. Howell took one look at my skin and said “Oh hell no, I’m not a magician.” Okay, that’s not what she said at all. She told me all about the wonderful Obagi Nu-Derm system, gave me a DVD to take home and scheduled me an appointment to taser my face. I did a series of intense pulsed light therapy sessions, aka Fotofacial, Photofacial, Photoderm and a host of other nicknames. IPL therapy is a non-ablative skin resurfacing tool.

Oh my god I sound smart! But just in case let me explain it in other languages… For those of us that painted our nails in science class, I offer a non-college track interpretation: it doesn’t like screw up the top part of your skin that you like see, it works like on a deeper level somewhere near your like bones or something. It like makes your skin do right.

Diva interpretation: You look fucking fabulous, it’s worth every penny you had to finance a series of procedure. It’s not like you were going to grocery shop anyway!

To my darling Husband interpretation: It has a warranty and it’s only $49.99. That interpretation worked with my boob job and will work for you too! Men love warranties!

If you’re deaf, I can’t sign. You’ll just have to look like one hot mess until I can find a person that does that hand talk thingy.

Does it hurt? Well I guess that depends on your pain or drug tolerance. I am probably somewhere in the middle. I always scheduled in the morning, but I think the afternoons would be better. Now that I don’t have to do carpool line anymore, I don’t have to stop at one mid-afternoon Bloody. So just put yours in a to go cup and you’re set! The common description of the sensation is like a rubber band is snapping against your skin. What the hell?? Did some minor league masochist come up with that? Who sits around snapping rubber bands on their skin?

Close your eyes. Imagine for one second that your special toy has a short in it during happy time. Ouch! It feels like that for about fifteen minutes except on your face instead. If they start offering IPL for vaginal rejuvenation then I quit. But that’s a whole ‘nother blog post and I promise you, we will go there. Who else tells it straight but your sistah Cult Diva?

According to http://www.plasticsurgery.com/, your doctor may offer pain pills or sedatives during a session. I faced mine like a natural woman, no drugs or anything. Now the first one, I had a nerve block going on since I had just had Restylane injected into the cute, comma like indentations around my mouth. So I really didn’t notice anything, and laughed through the whole thing. The rest of the series was performed while I was stone cold sober and it was distinctly uncomfortable. My pain threshold starts with paper cuts, you should clean them well and take a Vicodin. But big girls know that beauty is painful and expensive, just like dating younger men. But at least with IPL you look better when it’s all over with.

Ms. Howell wrestled mightily with the demon that is melasma and the battle is not over yet. Today we–she did a TCA peel; which is a mid-level peel to even out pigment problems as well as other age related infirmities. Don’t make me do the interpreting thing again. We–she did a 20% solution which means nothing to me, but in layman’s terms burned like Hell fire for about three minutes. I was worried since I still had to grocery shop afterward and didn’t want to look like a freak.

Then I remembered I was going to Wal-Mart, and I swear I’ve seen people that look sub-human there. Remember the bar scene in “The Empire Strikes Back”? I’ve seen some of those life forms shopping at our Wally World. No one took a second look at me while I snatched groceries off the shelves.

She sent me home with my red faced self and ideas for more services to purchase. Besides the Jane Iredale cosmetics that are offered at the office now, she also just got in the Clarisonic Face brush. This is some sort of super cleaning tool for your face that you can use at home. It’s getting rave reviews from professionals and that group can be a hard sell. I’ve put it on my “to get” list.

Big sale this month at Azalea Center on Obagi products! I can’t remember the exact details and should have grabbed a flyer. Basically if you buy the entire Obagi system–the full size products–you get some IPL sessions for free. If you buy the travel sized line, you get a peel for free. These products are totally worth it. They sound expensive as a set, but if you add up all the stuff you have at home that’s not working you’ll l find they are about equal. I was using an expensive line before, plus a few other pricey products. I have seen better result with Obagi that I have with Cellex-C and La Mer; which were my skin potions of choice before. I’ve been using them for about seven weeks now and I am thrilled with my new, improved skin.

But the biggest selling point any esthetician has is her own skin. Ms. Christy looks like she is about to pledge Tri Delt and yet she claims to have teenage children. Her skin is perfect, enough said. My only regret is that we did not do before and after photos so that I could post them; there is that noticeable of a difference.

Here’s some other advise: if you see TCA peels offered online that you can do yourself–don’t! I know it’s cheaper than letting a professional do the work, but these products can potentially do a lot of damage to your skin. People go to school and lots of other training to correctly diagnose and treat skin. They take state licensing exams, and various continuing education units to keep themselves up to date on new procedures. You on the other hand just enter your maximum bid in perfect ignorance of the ramifications of home peeling kits. Would you order a do it yourself pap smear online and trust the results would be correct? For god’s sake treat your face with the same value. At your age people see it more often than the other anyway!

Next month my skin BFF Christy and I will be doing a Fraxel laser thingy. Apparently I have high maintenance skin–who knew?? Perfection is heavy upkeep and if you can’t live like me than at least live through me.

Love and kisses,

Cult Diva

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