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Why Does My Husband Treat Me So Badly? I’ll Tell You Some Possible Reasons
I often get emails from wives who tell me that their husbands treat them badly. These letters and descriptions include non affectionate and non supportive husbands, selfish husbands, and abusive husbands. They run the gauntlet because every wife’s definition of “bad treatment” is going to be different.
Some women find it unacceptable when their husband doesn’t treat them in the same compassionate way that they treat him, while others will be troubled by a relationship in which the wife is being verbally or physically hurt. In the following article, I will take a look at varying degrees of wives who feel that they deserve to be treated better and will offer varying reasons that men will often give me for their actions. Then, I’ll tell you how to address this situation, in the hopes of changing it.
The Belittling Or Verbally And Physically Abusive Husband: These are the letters or emails that most trouble me. There is no situation that I can think of that makes this OK. I do understand that most men who are abusive suffered abuse as children. This makes the situation tragic, to be sure, but it doesn’t excuse it.
The first step in this situation is saying it out loud and letting the husband know that today is a new day and that you are not going to allow yourself to be hurt even once more. Unfortunately, breaking these habits are often difficult because the husband was often taught no other way to communicate or to get his point across. So, in order to be rehabilitated, he’s going to have to first admit the problem and then to learn new coping mechanisms and ways to communicate or negotiate. And, since he learned no other way, this is often going to require time and help.
However, the fact that this is a long road does not mean that you should give up or try to accept it. You should not. Statistics show us that the chances for him to just stop doing this without some intervention are not very good. He doesn’t know another way and will need to be taught without your getting hurt in the process.
The Selfish Husband That Doesn’t Show Affection: On the other side of the spectrum, I often get emails about the husband who is lazy, self centered, and who doesn’t reciprocate in the relationship. I’ll often hear things like:
“He lets me do all the work in the marriage;”
” He doesn’t love me the way that I love him;”
“He treats me like a sibling or a roommate;”
“If he’s sick or hurt, I care for him but if I’m sick or hurt, he acts if I’m inconveniencing him and he doesn’t support or care for me;”
“He never says thank you, spontaneously shows me affection, gives me gifts or does anything to show me he cares. He bought me a vacuum cleaner for my birthday this year;” and
“He acts like I annoy him as much as the kids do.”
These emails often come from wives who have been married for a while. Many admit that the husband chased them and pursued them with flowers and gifts when they were dating, but now they are lucky if they get a card that’s only signed with his name but nothing else.
And yet, often if you talk to the husband you will get a different story. Now, the husband usually will not deny that he’s become lukewarm. He usually will have no trouble telling you that he acts somewhat differently today. But, he will downplay that things are as serious as the wife claims. And often, he will tell me that the wife has become so high maintenance and needy that he’s shut down somewhat, because there is just no pleasing her. I often hear comments like “my wife wants my constant attention. It doesn’t matter what I tell her or do, she always wants more. I’m married to her and living with her, aren’t I? I wouldn’t still be here if I did not love her.”
As you can see, wives and husbands see this quite a bit differently. And, most of us know that many men are not as emotional and demonstration as women. But, that doesn’t keep us from wanting to know that we matter, that we are noticed, and that we are appreciated and loved. This is definitely not too much to ask. And you know what? If they would comply, even a little, we might just stop nagging.
See, what’s happening now is that there is a negative cycle occurring. We, as women are not getting what we need. But, as we nag or appear needy to our husbands, they retreat. He perceives that we are going to make him work or move outside of his comfort zone. So, we have to find a way to get more of what we want without making him go so far out on a limb that he isn’t going to want to repeat his actions.
We want to set it up so that it becomes easy and intuitive for him to give us what we want and need and then easy for us to reciprocate and give positive feedback so that he will begin to repeat this behavior on his own. To that end, any requests that you make should be made with a positive slant. I actually have some very good friends who have become quite good at this cycle – they simply ask very directly for what they need and when they get it (even if it is not perfect) they gush and give all sorts of positive feedback so that the husband doesn’t need to be prodded so much in the future.
Sure, you may feel resentful at first at having to spell it out for him. But, over time as you begin to see improvement, you might just realize that it really doesn’t matter how you got the results that you wanted, so long as you get them. One of my friends will literally say things like: “honey, you know my birthday is coming up. Now, you might have this covered, but I’ve been eyeing this necklace that I want. Should I buy it or should I leave this up to you?” Believe it or not, sometimes, he will tell her to buy it. But you know what? He’ll often buy something else on his own. And he no longer forgets her birthday. And, at the end of the day, she has the necklace that she wanted, a husband who remembered, and something else that he threw in because he wanted to.
And she follows this up by showering him with affection and praise so that next year, he’s going to do even better. Both people walk away feeling positive and no one’s signals are getting crossed or feelings are getting hurt. I have another friend who, when she had strep throat, simply said to her husband. “I really need for you to do better. I feel lousy and I need for you to take over with the kids. I would do the same for you because I love you and I know that you love me and want to help.”
This works every time. What husband is going to say “well no, I’ve decided that I don’t want to help my sick wife?” She delivered the message in a light hearted way that still left her husband with some respect and didn’t feel like nagging to him. He took care of her, she bragged about him in front of his mother, and the next time she was sick, she didn’t have to ask.
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